I thought I was a patient/good human being.
Then I had kids.
Not just kids but several kids really, REALLY close together. Let me break it down for you.
PRE KIDS: Sunday morning sex.
AFTER KIDS: ………………….
PRE: Well rested and if I wasn’t, there was really no one to blame but myself. (this was also pre Netflix, Hulu, Amazon video etc.–It was also before the DVR, so if you missed it, you missed it and late night TV wasn’t very good, so temptation was minimal)
POST: I don’t clearly remember the last time I went to bed when I wanted and woke up when I wanted…or slept all night without interruptions. I am forgetting what it feels like to sleep in…or sleep well. If anyone asks “ How’d you sleep?” I may punch them in their face hole; not to be rude, just as a visual answer to the question
PRE: When dinner (really any meal) was ready, I would eat it when it was still hot. HOT! not just warm. I could also sit down without getting up for XYZ (which is basically the whole kitchen including the sink)
POST: It’s cold. I also look like I am at a Sunday Mass with all the up and down. *good for the thighs…but not enough to make it worth it
PRE: I could take a break. A really real break. There was almost zero coordinating that needed to happen. At work, I could take my 10-15 minutes and go for a walk, close my eyes, check out Myspace, the thing before Facebook (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, just kidding, even that wasn’t a thing yet).
POST: If I want a break now, I have to coordinate a babysitter, and have money to pay the babysitter. If I want to take a walk, they must come with me, because leaving them home alone is not only bad parenting, but I am pretty sure they could flood it, set it on fire and cover it in poop. It would be the biggest flaming turd left on a doorstep, ever
PRE: I could read a book, A REAL BOOK WITH PAPER PAGES–and–it was a book with no pictures, just words!!! I know! I could set the book down and know that it would still be there with all of those pages still in tact. Library books were safe.
POST: I don’t read grown up books anymore. Audible loves me. I listen to all my books now (which I actually enjoy). I read books with pictures and as few words on a page as possible because, SQUIRREL! Also, our books will not be fit to donate to anyone, because sticky fingers, tongues, enthusiastic page turners/rippers.
PRE: Uninterrupted conversations. see also; A full finished thought.
POST: I’m sorry, what did you say? What was I saying? Oh yeah…Do not lick your sister with peanut butter on your tongue! You were saying…?
-this is especially fun when the person you are talking to also has children.
PRE: Energy was abundant. Seriously. I rarely had a caffeinated beverage and when I did I was even more amazing.
POST: My energy was transferred to my children in the womb. It is a one way process. Caffeine does nothing.
PRE: Bedtime was quiet
POST: All I hear is that there are monsters, someone did something to someone 6 hours ago and it still hurts. I am not tired, why do I have to go to bed, I am thirsty, I need to pee–in an endless loop.
PRE: Pressure was something I experienced, but it was manageable and mostly from an employer or myself. I had set goals for a day/week and if I worked hard I could meet all of those expectations with no problem.
POST: Can you say High Pressure? It isn’t just from me (though there is a lot), it is from outside sources (AKA:everyone who is breathing) all telling me how to do all the things (parenting and otherwise) and if you don’t your child will fail and it will be all your fault and then they will become an ax murdering psychopath that hates trees! (did you see what I did there…ax…trees…obviously my sense of humor has not suffered at all)
I used to be a sweetie. My husband has asked me what happened to the sweet woman he married, to which I growled, I ATE HER. It was strictly for survival. She was a bit of a wimp…A lovely sane (mostly) wimp.
You should know that I do not regret having any of my children. I am glad they are here, even when they eat all the brownies (it makes me sad and not because it is a sugar filled food, but because now they are gooonnnneee *that is me whimpering at the injustice of it all.
I even like them all…until 9 p.m. ………..OK, 8 p.m. …………..7 p.m?? FINE, really it is 5:30….a.m. (ok not really a.m. …..unless they have woken me up from a dead sleep telling me they can’t sleep and can they please watch TV.)
Basically, I am a lovely, patient person when I have plenty of sleep and am well rested. I think, I can’t remember.
Also, Why don’t cribs come with lids? They definitely should.