So you think this baby is ready to be born and will come anytime. In fact you are confident that this child will come out because all the signs are there…umm, sure, ok, whatever, I get it.
- Every stranger on the street (the street ?? you aren’t on the street, you are at the grocery store cringing because you have to walk somewhere) looks at you and walks quickly away when you wince, because it looks like the baby could just fall right out of you right now
- You feel a pain in your abdomen and it shoots down your legs, it may be a mild pain, but you have another one a few minutes later and this continues for 2 hours and you are ready to go to the hospital and rejoice that you will soon be able to breathe a full deep breath, pee more than a trickle, bend over without turning bright red as your oxygen supply is cut off, get out of bed without a rolling start ( or push from behind) go from sitting to standing without having to catch your breath, only needing to pee once an hour instead of every 15 minutes (every 10 if you drink water), yell at your other children without tinkling in your undies (haha just kidding that one you get to keep) only to have them stop once you actually get up to go to the hospital.
- You go to the hospital for sure you are in labor, early stages, but still labor, only to be sent home in tears.
- You lose the mucus plug, that means it’s today, right????? Snap a picture and post it in a mom’s group so all the other ladies can (vomit) tell you it is your mucus plug. ( I have never done this, I swear)
- The baby drops, meaning your belly is carrying lower than yesterday…oh wait, it just moved up again…..no down, PICK ONE!!!!
- You go to your doctor appointment and are checked to see how that cervix is doing. Good news, you are dilated to a 2. Any time now…
- You make it to your next appointment two weeks later and are checked again. You are at a 3! Progress, maybe tonight is the night!!!!!
- You have now bounced on the yoga ball for 8 hours, done squats with desperation, eaten pineapple, every spicy food out there despite the fire coming from your heart region and up your throat, besides this is why you bought the mega size bottle of Tums, sure you just opened it yesterday and there are less than half of them left, calcium is good for babies (not good for pooping, but that is what the castor oil is for + also supposed to induce labor, so it’s a win, right?)
- You have made it to yet another doctor appointment and despite you holding back the ugly tears, you are really hoping that doctor man will say, wow! I see the baby’s head! And out will pop your baby with nary a sneeze of a push from you. But, no, you are now at a 4, maybe a little more, but with no active labor you must go home. You MUST GO HOME, gripping the door jam of the doctor’s office as the nurses try to pry your fingers loose and gently yet sternly send you on your way will not make the baby come any sooner
- You seduce your husband, which is a feat in and of itself, because you feel like an elephant (a cute one to be sure) and move as slowly as a sloth, and every movement you make comes with an involuntary grunt, but you will do what must be done to get this baby out. As great as it is, there is still no sign of active, keep you in the hospital, labor.
- You tell–cry hysterically like the hormone crazed person you have become–your spouse it is their fault. The kid obviously inherited his stubbornness and will not be made to evacuate your body!
- Make it to another doctor appointment, sent home yet again. The doctor’s is not swayed by your pleas, and begging for mercy. Basically the doctor has no heart. (Hormone induced crazy here, it sounds completely logical)
- Give up. Nothing is going to make this baby come until she is ready.
- Eat all the food and pout