It started one morning when I noticed a wet spot in the ground. The order of events is this.
Day one: Notice the wet ground, assume someone spilled a drink there, or something.
Day two: Still wet, hasn’t dried out at all.
Day three: Very suspicious, so I step on it and sink many inches into the very wet earth. It is quickly becoming wet enough to be quicksand…if it was sand…
Day four: Dig hole and stare.
Day five: Dig bigger hole and stare at the problem.
Day: six: Stare some more and bale out all the accumulated water, go to hardware store and realize you left home without a plan. “Fix it” is not a plan, just a goal. Stare at the store shelves anyway.
Day seven: Stare and do nothing…well not nothing, I did yell at all the kids (neighborhood kids and all) to stay away from the hole!!!!! With many threats and glares, they did.
Day eight: This is where it gets dicey. I think to myself, self, you need to fix that leak but are afraid to actually cut the pipe in fear of not knowing how to fix it and then having all the kids with you at the hardware store so you can stare at all the things (again), being completely overwhelmed and then sprouting your own leak in the corners of your eyes. Then it hits, *ding* (universal sound for good ideas) Use some of that fancy fast fix wrapping stuff that is as strong as steel and said to be able to stop leaks too. Also buy that awesome gallon of bright red paint from the mistint section.
Use the fixing stuff and wrap the pipe where the leak is (yes water was turned off, but there was still a persistent drip even hours later…because it was the main line to the house and the water heater was involved, blah, blah….Then realize that this “brilliant” idea, was not even a good idea because it does not stop an active, still dripping leak.

Water is mean

Cry inside, look up Youtube videos and google the crap out of this and think that you totally have this all under control. Go about the evening of dropping off kids, feeding all the other kids, picking up kids and then feeding them too, then putting other kids to bed and in the midst of that go to the hardware store again and get some other stupid crap to fix a leak temporarily with the express mission of it working in wet conditions. By the way, this product does not actually exist, all the packages lie!!! None of them actually work in actively wet conditions like this because…

Water is mean
And powerful

Buy it all anyway, use it, cry a little when it doesn’t work, think to self; Self, this pipe is just a little misaligned so if you can knock it gently back into place the leak will stop…forgetting of course that it is now covered in this pipe cast (think broken arm cast) from the fast fix crap, plumbers putty and self sealing silicone tape–still dripping (probably dripping more than before just to spite me) and so very rigid (stupid cast stuff) and not capable of moving. Use hammer anyway. (Gently of course, but these twin momma arms pack a powerful gentle touch)

Water is so mean, especially when it is under pressure and you have created new places for it to go.

*hang head in shame

Now the water to the house needs to be shut off and the husband also needs to poo poo and shower, it is now 9:47 and Lowes closes at 10:00 and it is a 10 minute drive at best.
I did make it, they were very helpful and did not kick me out even though I got there 30 seconds before 10. It would have been even better if I had not left a very crucial fitting at the store. FYI Walmart does not carry the right plumbing supplies and hose fittings are not the same. We (husband) did try.

Day nine: My wonderful, amazing, holding-his-poo-poo-in husband fixed it…it only took three attempts.

Day nine (2 hours earlier): Remember that amazing GALLON of red paint I bought? I left it in my van by the door. When the door was opened (for at least the dozenth time that day) out spilled the entire gallon of gorgeous red paint in my gutter. Brilliant thinker that I am I turned the water back on to the house (leaky pipe was only dripping a little after attempt 2 to fix it) and used the hose to dilute the red paint so it would not stain the curb and gutter too badly…

I failed to take into account the direction the water and now the paint would flow…I painted my entire streets curb and gutter red. (We are on the corner) The WHOLE street–and around the next corner, down that street and around the following corner where it blessedly stopped. I don’t think this is what people mean when they say “Paint the town red”…I basically turned half a city block into a no parking zone….or decorated it for Valentines day.

Lessons learned?

1. Water is mean
2. Hammers and PVC pipe do not lead to happy endings
3. I am not as handy dandy as I think I am, but I will keep trying
4. buuut maybe not right before all the stores close
5. ‎Someone should open an emergency plumbing supply store that is only open in the off hours.
6. I am the MOM-NADO

It must be hereditary

Did I mention that a week before, I also flooded my bathroom with poo poo sewage because I forgot that the clog in the drains was not cleared yet? (Days of only one flushing toilet…then none) I did this twice…it was sadder the second time and not because of all the poop (though obviously 💩), but because I had just scrubbed and bleached the crap (literally) off the floor, and walls (yes it splurted out of the toilet drain on to the walls)



I Live in the glorious state of Texas and I am the Mother of 6. As such I enjoy reading, leisurely walks, quiet time, sleeping all night and sleeping in, naps, and watching a full episode of any show without having to pause. Which means I have another 18 years, at least, before any of these things happen. I am ok with that (mostly, I could really go for a nap).

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